Are You Enough Part II

So the inspiration for the last blog post stemmed from my observations of numerous people. Not just all people, but the ones that seem to have something to prove to everyone. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones that go out of their way to buy the new Louis Vuitton bag that they can't afford so everyone can see it. The ones that buy that new car that will take them forever to pay off just so they can show everyone that they're "doing it big". Simply put, the ones that just feel the need to show off whatever they have whether big or small. The ones that make you wanna say, "Please get over yourself...NOW!!!" Yep, those are the ones. But, for whatever reason, it seems like their population is growing exponentially everyday. I especially notice it on Facebook, namely in photos. They have to put on their best outfits (or lack thereof), pose with their prized possessions, etc. and take a million pictures. Truth be told, it doesn't really bother me until they write stupid *** captions like, "Damn, I'm fine", or "Yeah, I know you want this", or other crap like "Don't be jealous." WTF?? Is it really that serious? Do you really feel the need to have others validate you like that? Honestly? And do even get me started on groups like "Finest Girls on Facebook" or "Biggest Asses on Facebook" where girls shamelessly post nearly naked pictures of themselves so random perverted guys can salivate over them. Ugh! I've had enough!!!

So I just wanna ask all of those people, "Are you Enough?" Do you love and believe in yourself to the point where you don't have to let people know that you are "it"? Are you confident enough to not need constant validation from others? Do you think material things matter more than self-love? Do you care more about the welfare of others or how others see you? Do you think what's on your body is more important than what's in your mind and your heart?

Lose the designer names, fancy car, expensive bag, and "I'm better than you" attitude. All that does is hide who YOU are. Be proud. Be who you are you. BE YOU! YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Are You Enough? Pt. I

I've recently started exercising regularly, (Yay me!!) and one of my favorite videos is Cardioke by Billy Blanks, Jr. It is the bomb!! Anyway, the cool down song at the end of the video is a very moving, powerful song called "You are Enough" which was written and sung by his wife. I honestly thought it would be corny and sappy, but by the middle of the song I was ready to cry. I sincerely wished I had heard the song during my time sadness and frustration at Vandy because it was exactly what I needed to hear. During most of my life and especially my time at Vandy, I felt like I always had to live up to some impossible, unreachable expectation. I had to be the BEST at everything and had to show everyone that I could above and beyond. When I was doing that well at Vandy, I felt my identity and self-worth crumble. I kept pushing myself to do better and beating myself up when I didn't. Even though I hated what I was doing, I kept forcing myself through it because I felt like I had something to prove to others. Even when I'd already made the decision to leave, I constantly thought about how others would perceive me. Would they think of me as a failure? When I talked about this with my counselor, she told me four words that changed everything: "Nicole, you are enough." It took a while for the message to get through because I'd never had anyone say that to me before. I was enough? How? I hadn't done anything worth talking about. But she convinced me otherwise. She began going over all the things that I had shared with her from small accomplishments to emotional obstacles and letting me know that I've been through and survived a lot. I was enough because after all I've been through I was still standing and still strong. And you know what? She was right. I put a lot of things into perspective after that session, and I realized that all that time I spent trying to prove myself to others was a waste. If who I am isn't enough to please them then that is their loss! To those who matter, I'm just me...and that's good enough.

Would You Just Go on and Die Already?!

I'm talking about reality shows. For the last few years, I have seen smart sitcoms and dramas slowly drop out of the spotlight in order to make room for the dumb, mindless entertainment we call reality television. Every week, millions of Americans tune into these shows depicting so-called "real" events. In actuality, what they get is bits and pieces out of thousands of hours of filming. Nothing they watch is "real." It's shaped by the producers, directors, and other powers that be. Yet, no one really seems to care. They're too engrossed in watching the lives of others. And the phenomenon seems to be spreading faster than a fungus. My fav example: That disaster of a show on BET called College Hill, hailed as the first all-black reality show (Wouldn't MLK be proud?). They're even on Cartoon Network!! Let me repeat that: Cartoon Network!! Aren't they supposed to show...ummm...cartoons?! No, now they've even gotten in on it. They have two so far: The Othersiders, which features kids looking paranormal activity and crap, and Survive This, where teens are forced to survive in the wilderness due to "real" crisis situations. In the first episode, the crisis was the event of their school bus crashing in the wilderness, which I can totally understand because stuff like that happens everyday. *Rolls eyes*

What happened to the Golden Age of actors and actresses reading scripts, memorizing lines, and evoking feelings and emotion?? Matter of fact, why the hell is that considered the Golden Age?? That's damn sad. But I won't say there isn't hope. The recent tongue lashing of Speidi by Al Roker restores my belief that, one day, Americans will get over it already. They'll quit pining over fake celebrities and fake shows and return to...well...reality. I'm not holding my breath though.

Don't Let Other People Steal Your Energy!

Don't you hate when you're having a Sun-is-shining-I-feel-like-I-can-conquer-the-world or a Man-I-feel-so-relaxed-I'm-just-gonna-take-it-easy kind of day and someone calls or approaches you with nothing but complete and utter BS? And for some reason, after you've interacted with that person, your high is just GONE WITH THE WIND!! Well, next time that person calls or approaches you, just say these kind words: "Sorry, but I'm feeling too good to deal with your crap right now. Why don't you come back and see me when I'm having a bad day?" Okay reality check! I would never actually do that, but I'm sure it would feel damn good. Instead, I just cut the convo short, try my best to forget about what that person said, and go on about my lovely day. I refuse to let you steal my energy!

Back to Blogging...

It's been SSSSOOOOOO long!! I was so distracted by school and other obligations that I almost forgot I even had this blog. Well, I think it's time to get back into it. I've been so through so much since the last time I blogged. Most importantly, I realized that the graduate sociology program at Vandy just wasn't my cup of tea. I basically drove myself crazy trying to fit into the "scholarly academic researcher" mold before I realized that it's definitely not for me. There would times when I was so angry and frustrated that I would just sit and cry. Other days, I would experience serious bouts of anxiety. Yes, it was just that serious for me. I kept trying to figure out why I wasn't doing as well as everyone else and why they seemed so well adjusted and content with the way things were. For the life of me, I couldn't understand why I was so unhappy. The definitive turning point was went I finally went to see a counselor and she asked when was the last time I was happy. Honestly, I had no idea. I knew then that something had to be done. I continued seeing a counselor and over the next few months, we got to the root of my unhappiness...and realized that I needed to get the hell out of dodge! I discovered that my happiness comes from doing work, no matter how big or small, that directly benefits others. I also realized that I really like to get into things because I learn by doing. At Vandy, I didn't feel like I was DOING anyhting! Sitting around a classroom analyzing and theorizing about social issues or discussing "scholarly" research just doesn't do anything for me. Actually, I take that back...IT PISSES ME OFF!! There are real problems out there and we could use our so-called extensive knowledge to help solve them. But nnnnnooooo! We have to use our knowledge to help advance the scholarly community by writing books and research articles about how Marx's theory of rebellion can explain the rise of the Ku Klux Klan. Oh yeah, that's REAL helpful!

*Sigh* Okay, enough of that rant. In a nutshell, I feel like I have learned and grown so much. I have a better idea of what I want out of life and even though I'm still trying to figure out the next step, I feel I'm going in the right direction. It may take a while, but I'll get there :-)

I want to be happy but...

Okay, so I'm SUPER happy that Obama passed the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act! We never saw legislation like this during the Bush Administration. Hell, we never really saw any legislation that didn't benefit rich, married, Christian white people. So, the feminist in me was pumping her fists in their air when Obama signed this into law. OH HAPPY DAY!!

But wait a minute...

Not too long before, he pulled $200 million in family planning funding from the stimulus package under immense pressure from Republicans. Now I'm all for bipartisanship but W...T..F?!?! This funding would've given hope to the millions of low-income women who are not able to afford contraceptives or have access to family planning services. But, for whatever reason, the Repubs saw this as a waste of money. Now I could be wrong, but I'm pretty that increasing the number of births would have the opposite effect of aiding the recession. But I'm just saying...

Back in college, I had NO insurance whatsoever. My family fell upon hard times so there wasn't really much of a choice. I could say from personal experience that getting access to contraceptives wasn't an easy task. I couldn't afford to see a real doctor, so I had to rely on the local, sorry a** health department. Getting an appointment was very hard. I would have to make one about a month in advance (This was the one by my school. Don't even get me started on the one in my hometown). If I was able to schedule one early in the morning, then I would be in and out most of the time. Later in the afternoon was a different story. I would be there for hours. It was manageable for me seeing as how I had nothing else to do. But I couldn't begin to imagine the frustration of those with jobs and children to take care of...ugh. Anywho, one day I had an appointment only to arrive at the health department and finding out that it was closed for some kind of meeting or some crap like that. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. I called the next day to see if I could come then, and they told me that I didn't even have an appointment the day before (Although, the appointment reminder card they gave me last time said different), that it was the week before, and seeing as how I missed that I had to schedule another appointment. *Sigh* I didn't think it could get any worse...until I was told that it would be almost two months before I could see a doctor. Are you serious?!?! I shot them the deuces and scheduled an appointment with the Student Health Center. They were really fast and I was in and out before I knew it. Pretty good service. I was feeling good until I realized that, without insurance, birth control would cost me $20 every month...for the generic brand! OH HELL NO!! I was barely getting by as it was. But I had to suck it up and pay that $20 because even though I was broke, I would be even worse off with a child! Oh, but it didn't end there. Turns out, without insurance, the appointment ended up costing me $95!!! I actually cried after I found out. I don't remember how I got through it, but thank God I did.

So the moral of that long, random story that just wasted the last minute and a half of your life was to let you know how hard it is for low-income women getting access to contraceptives. In some aspects, I was an exceptional case because I had no children and and a loan refund to help me get by. Hell, when I look back at it I was probably damn lucky. I can't imagine working a low-wage job and having mouths to feed while trying to pay for doctor's appointments and contraceptives in order to keep from having MORE mouths to feed. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. And I can't even begin to fathom what kind of headaches these unfortunate women will have in the coming years without that funding. I love you Obama and that fact that you're trying to "reach across the aisle," but do me a favor: pull your hand back from across that aisle, take a good look at it, and then...SLAP YOURSELF!!!

Go to this link and take action:
http://www.capwiz.com/now/issues/alert/?alertid=12539436

Why I Hate Jazmine Sullivan's "Bust Your Windows"

I know this song is kinda old now, but I still wanna speak on it. I'm not a fan of Jazmine Sullivan's in the first place. Her voice gets on my last nerve. It always sounds like she's in pain. Anywho, that's neither here nor there. As much as I hate to listen to her, I decided to sit down one day and listen to the song in its entirety. That was stupid. The whole song is the embodiment of the "angry black woman" stereotype. She catches her man cheating and decides to hurt him back by busting his car windows. Wow. That's mature. Now don't get me wrong. I've never been with a guy for five years, but if i had been with him that long only to find out he was a lying, cheating snake yeah I'd be hurt beyond belief. But to think that I'm so shaken up over you that I'd actually go so far as to vandalize your property?? Please don't flatter yourself!! It's really not that serious. You are not the end. Life goes on with or without you. My mother once told about one of her relatives who gave this man the best years of her life. She married him right out of high school, and they started a family immediately. She thought everything was going well. Years later, he leaves their house one night and calls her hours later to let her know that he was wasn't coming back. She had absolutely no job and had several children to raise. I can't begin to imagine the pain she felt. Know what she did? She went to her room, cried her eyes out for about 10 minutes, wiped them away, and moved on. From what I understand, she has a good job now and is doing really well for herself. So are her children. This is the type of story I'd like to hear in a song. Not that "My man left me and I'm so hurt and bitter so I'm gonna make him feel my pain" crap in Jazmine Sullivan's song. I recommend "My Joy" by Leela James, where she sings: "Cause if I thought you were the end all in my be all/I would've never left you alone/and I wouldn't be on my own/and I never never would've grown. And she does not have to bust your windows in order for you to know.